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    • Wednesday, July 25, 2007

    [程亮的日記—沒有常在心的日子]

    沒有常在心的日子﹐第24日﹐睛以前一見到常心寫日記﹐我就會笑佢﹐覺得好無聊﹐根本無人會睇。但到左而家﹐我終於明白一個人係好唔開心既時候﹐原來唔係去飲酒﹐唔係去搵朋友傾計﹐而係好想好想寫嘢﹐將自己既心情寫晒出來。今日係呢24天以來比較開心既一日﹐常在心終於搵到嘢做啦。係尖沙咀一間律師樓到做legal clerk。我諗佢一定好開心﹐一定會再笑番。以前佢成日係我間房到笑﹐無情情都笑一餐。食左粒好味既朱古力都可以笑到咔咔聲。嗰時我成日想佢靜D﹐等我可以專心工作。但而家再聽唔到佢既笑聲﹐我反而好討厭靜既感覺。以前我好有自信﹐決定左就勇往直前。但今次面對常在心﹐我完全唔知點做。我好想行前一步去彌補我既過失﹐但係原來咁樣反而會傷害到佢。當佢望著我﹐D眼淚好似失控咁樣流出來既時候﹐我心好痛。究竟我應該點做﹖有無人可以話比我知我應該點做﹖

    沒有常在心的日子﹐第29日﹐睛今日律師樓請左個新既legal clerk取代常在心。阿Ted介紹佢比我識。唔知點解佢同我打招呼既時候﹐我個心突然間有種好酸既感覺﹐所以我無頭無尾咁同佢寒暄左幾句﹐之後就行開左。我諗嗰個女仔一定覺得我好奇怪。

    沒有常在心的日子﹐第33日﹐雨天我每日食lunch嗰時都會搭船過尖沙咀﹐係常在心做嘢嗰座大廈下面條街到來 回 行三次﹐希望可以撞到佢﹐但我無一次撞到。點知我今日一落船就係碼頭見到佢﹐見到佢挨著係欄杆到食漢堡包。佢瘦左﹐仲有D憔悴。但佢收到個電話之後就好開心係到講﹐唔知嗰個人會唔會係得得地呢﹖

    沒有常在心的日子﹐第37日﹐睛今日水擘擘約左我出來﹐我終於見到嗰個有過度活躍症既副機師David。佢地去完打草地滾球。嗰個David真係好過引﹐不停咁講嘢﹐好似個細路仔咁。見到佢地咁甜蜜﹐我都好替佢地開心。唔知我同常在心仲會唔會有一齊笑﹐一齊開心既日子呢﹖

    沒有常在心的日子﹐第42日﹐睛我今日係法院門口撞到大腳八。同常在心拍拖既時候﹐我記得有一次我地吵左架﹐好無聊係到諗 - 如果個天比我打贏大腳八﹐但係就會失去常在心﹐我會揀邊樣﹖我當時竟然諗左好內。但係如果而家比我揀﹐我寧願輸一萬次都唔想失去常在心。

    沒有常在心的日子﹐第49日﹐陰天我今日lunch time又去左尖沙咀﹐又見到常在心係碼頭到食lunch。我見到佢又瘦左﹐個樣好失落。我知佢一定係為左我先至咁。我有時真係好憎自己搞到佢咁樣。我本來好想行埋去﹐但係結果都無。我驚佢一見到我又喊﹐我唔想再見到佢流眼淚。

    沒有常在心的日子﹐第52日﹐睛今日行過女人街竟然見唔到阿媽﹐我好驚咁周圍搵。打佢電話又打唔通。佢一定係為左慳錢唔交電話費啦。後未比我係條大街到搵到佢﹐佢竟然同我講女人街好多同類型既檔口﹐好難做生意﹐所以出來大街擺檔。我真係好火氣。做無牌小販會被人拉架嘛﹗我忍唔著鬧左佢幾句﹐問佢係咪真係發錢寒﹐我比D家用夠晒佢用架啦。收未我見佢眼濕濕﹐同佢講左聲對唔著。因為我諗番起常在心以前成日叫我唔好咁樣對阿媽講嘢﹐會令佢好傷心。我真係越來越掛著常在心。我同個天講可唔可以比多次機會我﹖我一定會好好珍惜呢次機會。

    沒有常在心的日子﹐第152日﹐睛得得地搵我幫佢舅父打官司。佢舅父涉嫌冒充日本乾鮑代理商進行詐騙。我同佢fight到盡架啦﹐結果判左緩刑兩年。得得地好開心﹐猛咁同我握手多謝我。佢話好 采 有我﹐如果唔係佢舅父就要坐監啦。唔知點解﹐我已經唔再恨得得地﹐仲開始對呢個人有D好感。

    沒有常在心的日子﹐第318日﹐雨呢排我成日都發同一個夢。我夢見常在心已經原諒左我﹐成日係我隔離係咁笑。夢始終係要醒既。程亮﹐唔好再傻啦﹐無左常在心﹐日子都仲係要過。專心工作吧啦。沒有常在心的日子﹐第476日﹐睛今期『法律人周刊』選左我做今年既律政界風雲人物。全公司既人都好替我開心﹐但唔知點解我既心情無想像中咁興奮。我一個人去左大排檔叫左碗水蟹粥來食。唔知常在心知唔知道呢個消息呢﹖佢既心情會點呢﹖佢會唔會替我開心呢﹖

    沒有常在心的日子﹐第718日﹐睛唔知點解今日出街既時候﹐唔覺唔覺去左西環邨。一個對我來講好熟悉但係又好陌生既地方。我停左係到﹐我不知自己等緊嘜。結果等到既係常在心同得得地。我以為我同常在心分開左﹐佢地兩個好快會行埋一齊。點知原來唔係。我一直都不相信有人可以無條件咁去愛護一個人﹐一D目的都無。而家我信啦﹐得得地做得到。我都希望自己可以做到。

    沒有常在心的日子﹐第831日﹐睛今日我搭的士離開法院既時候﹐我竟然係架的士上面不斷咁流眼淚。以前我成日諗如果終於有一日打贏大腳八﹐我肯定會開心到流眼淚。但我好肯定我今次既眼淚係為常在心開心而流既。今日我心離開常在心既時候﹐我突然之間有股衝動好想走番轉頭同佢講聲你可唔可以原諒我﹖但係我終於都無咁做到。我今次去New York會去一個月先番﹐呢個月我都唔會見到常在心….. 算啦﹐唔好再同佢提番起以前既事啦。我唔想佢好似之前嗰次咁﹐失控咁流晒眼淚。我想常在心永遠都笑﹐好似今日係法院走廊到笑得咁開心。原來呢兩年來﹐我打既日記加埋有成十二萬字。我諗我呢世人打過既中文字加埋都唔夠我呢本日記多。希望有一日常在心原諒左我既時候﹐我地可以一齊坐係梳化到﹐一路食水蟹粥﹐一路睇番呢本日記。

    沒有常在心的日子﹐第843日﹐陰天今日我一落機就番左office﹐Duncan病左。我代佢見兩個clients。呢單係一單離婚case。係個太太提出離婚既。個丈夫係會計司﹐好斯文。個丈夫情緒好激動﹐係我office到大聲咁鬧佢老婆。我都唔知自己當時點解會咁惡喝個client。我從來都未試過 係office發咁大脾氣。我見到個女人不斷咁流眼淚﹐我都唔知點安慰佢好。食飯既時候﹐諗番起嗰個男人所講既嘢﹐我覺得呢個人真係好醜惡。其實自己咪同佢一樣咁醜惡。有時我會諗 ….. 我雖然對唔著常在心﹐但我已經真心知錯啦﹐我已經盡晒自己既能力去補償﹐我真係唔明白點解常在心仲要咁掘強。逐漸我清楚啦…..唔明白既人係我。我唔明白我對常在心既傷害有幾深。

    沒有常在心的日子﹐第857日﹐睛天我今日收到國際法律界年會既確認信﹐我竟然攞到個傑出青年法律人銀獎。阿Ted 同Gordon班嘢好似仲開心過我﹐係都要拉我去卡拉OK慶祝。其實我無咩心情去。不過突然間諗起呢個可能另一個機會比我見到常在心。

    沒有常在心的日子﹐第863日﹐雨死啦﹐已經深夜三點鐘﹐仲未諗到咩方法可以幫常在心打嗰單case。我忽然間諗番起嗰日係撞車嗰條馬路到常在心望著我既眼神。佢仲係鍾意我既。不如你鼓起勇氣同佢講對唔著啦﹐佢會原諒你架。不如咁啦﹐交比個天決定﹐如果明日仲係落雨架話﹐我就向佢表白。

    沒有常在心的日子﹐第864日﹐陰天今日成日都係陰陰天﹐一直都無落雨。我心諗 算啦﹐個天叫我唔好講。點知突然間落雨﹐我開心到好似細路仔咁笑。Cindy 佢地都唔知我做咩。我即刻打電話比常在心約佢出來。我話比常在心聽佢嗰單case我仲未諗到咩point﹐但佢無比壓力我﹐仲叫我放肆D慢慢諗。佢仲講左D佢上庭既得意嘢被我聽。個傻妹話有一次﹐當佢講結案陳詞嗰陣時﹐講講下竟然發現自己條裙無拉拉鍊。其實都唔係真係咁好笑﹐但係佢就笑到好似收唔到制咁﹐成身都震晒。我終於無聽個天講﹐同常在心表白﹐希望佢原諒我。因為我見佢笑得咁開心﹐我唔想勾番起以前D往事﹐我驚佢又喊﹐我唔捨得佢喊。程亮﹐唔好諗咁多啦﹐而家最重要既就係幫常在心諗掂D point。幫個輕度弱智既男仔脫罪。

    沒有常在心的日子﹐第871日﹐睛今日我終於見識過常在德嗰種無賴法﹐估唔到過左兩年﹐佢一D都無變過。但我同常在心就已經唔同左。常在心比以前成熟左﹐堅強左。我地都唔會好似以前咁為左佢阿哥吵架。我開始明白常在心以前既感受﹐已經有個咁唔生性既阿哥﹐仲要比個男朋友鬧﹐佢當時既心情一定好難過。我真係好後悔自己當時點解唔體諒下佢多D﹐不過而家後悔都已經太遲啦。以前我地每次吵架﹐問心講﹐我真係覺得自己無錯。我以為我做咩都係為左常在心好。我係緊張佢所以先鬧佢。但係原來我根本就唔識點樣先係對一個人好。對唔住呀﹐常在心當你真係好鍾意一個人﹐無論你已經為佢付出左幾多﹐你都會覺得唔夠。你會好想用你一生既時間來對佢好。唔知我仲有無咁既機會呢﹖

    [credit:smallyam]

    tis an dairy wrote by alfred in 溏心风暴...
    he broke up wif 常在心 bt still luv her deeply...
    so touchin tis dairy...
    .^o^. nice show...
    i gonna buy it...
    ^_^
    nthin post le...

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    | Wednesday, July 25, 2007 |